Sex Magic: Creating Intensity, Intimacy, and Presence with Dr. Laura Berman

North node.

So I started asking people, okay, you want to spice it up? If you had the spiciest relationship of your dreams, what would it.

What does it feel like?

Yeah. Yeah.

And the answer again and again became.

Excited, intensity or intense excitement.

Some version of that.

Like we. I want that feeling of excitement and intensity.

Yeah.

I was there in the beginning of the relationship or there when I have an affair, or there when I try something new.

Yeah.

Right.

So that's what sex magic creates.

Yeah.

Each time is this profoundly intense, excited.

Movement of energy through your body and.

Between the two of you.

Hi, I'm Paige Nolan.

Welcome to.

I'll meet you there.

A place where heart centered conversations are everything. Living what matters is the truest thing. And sharing the journey is the best. Hi everyone and welcome back.Our guest today is Dr. Laura Berman, a world renowned sex, love and relationship therapist who has been helping people learn to love and be loved better for over 30 years. I found Laura through her award winning syndicated radio show about 15 years ago.It was a live call in radio show on Oprah radio and I would listen to it in traffic in my minivan. In the years since then when I've had questions about sex and relationships for myself or my clients, I've been quick to reference Laura's teachings.Laura has been dedicated and prolific in her field. She's launched two television programs on Oprah Winfrey Network and hosted two other television shows on Showtime.She's appeared as an expert on every news and TV station you can think of. She's a New York Times bestselling author of nine books and currently she hosts the popular love and sex advice podcast, the Language of Love.I can tell you from meeting Laura and spending time with her, she's generous with her insight and truly energized by helping us improve our relationships and our sex lives. So today our conversation focuses on a practice Laura calls sex magic. She wrote a book about this practice entitled Sex Magic.Take your body, mind and relationship to the next level with spectacular intimacy. You're going to hear her talk about the ideas and the experiences that led Laura to the choice to write this book.She shares a little bit about her childhood home that really influenced her path to becoming a therapist. In the beginning of our conversation and we talk about the biggest question Laura gets asked all around the world and she gives us that answer.Here we talk about profound pleasure and what presence has to do with it.We also talk about embodiment and what quantum physics has to do with great sex and also what sex magic has to do with manifesting the experiences you deeply desire, not just in the bedroom, but in all of your life. It's all connected. This episode will definitely get you thinking about intimacy and how to experience it more fully and completely.And I hope this is going to get you inspired to try the practices that Laura offers us. She has seen Sex Magic bring a whole new layer of pleasure and connection to people's lives. And I want that for all of us.Enjoy this conversation with Dr. Laura Berman.

Laura, thank you so much for being here. I'm so delighted, selfishly, to get this time with you. I have known about your work for years and years. When I had to.The first time I discovered the radio show is I was a teacher and a mother asked me about talking to her young children about sex. And I didn't yet have children, so I went to Laura Berman and got like one of your early books about talking to kids. Yeah. About sex.So I know I mentioned this to you before, but you are my first official guest around this topic.

Wow. I'm honored. I'm honored to pop your cherry.

Yeah, exactly.

Perfect.

Perfect.So I'd love to start with you before we get into the book Sex Magic, which is a focus of mine today and an interest that I want to bring to the listener, But I'm also really interested in how people get to where they are. You really live what matters. You've aligned your life in such a beautiful way.So give us a little context and a little background about you finding your path to becoming a therapist first before a sex therapist and then really focusing in on this particular topic for families and couples.

Yeah. It was like most things in my life that I get really passionate about, it grew out of being pissed off.

Yeah.

But basically I wanted.I always knew from the time I was a young teenager that I wanted to be a relationship therapist, a couples therapist, I think, because I was, you know, what you call a parentified child. I was my mother's emotional caretaker before I was even born. She got pregnant with me when they found out my dad was going to Vietnam. Okay.

And.

And she wanted, you know, my sister was already four and was very independent and not very. My mother was a depressed and homebody. My sister was not. And so she conceived me to be like a baby doll for her, keep her company.

Yeah.

That was the beginning of my life and my entire life with her. And I adored my mother. She passed 12 to 15 years ago.

She was my. She passed in, I guess in 2011. So I don't know how many years that is now. But she was my soulmate.

I mean, but also in many ways my child. And I took emotional care of her. And then as I got older, I was right smack in the middle of my parents relationship.They would confide way too much in me. I out just out of survival at first. And then because I got kudos for it, I would solve their. Or help them solve relationship issues.And my dad, you know, was a.

What we didn't understand sex addiction back then, but he was essentially a sex addict and was a.

A very. A constant philanderer.

Yeah.

And.

And I would often be the one he told first.

Oh boy.

Or you know, so it was really inappropriate.

Yeah.

No boundaries, all of that. But as I told him at the end of his life, as painful as.

It was and as much as it messed me up and led me down a path of making really dysfunctional decisions and love myself early on, that it really.

If it weren't for those wounds, I would not have ended up wanting to.

Do this and being able to help as many people.

If I hadn't really wanted to understand how sex can drive someone to sacrifice everything and to. Then I probably would have never been drawn to that topic either. But it was something that was really comfortable in my house. I did. I.So I set off to become a.

Therapist, a couple's therapist.

But as I was. And I was very comfortable with sex.

I wasn't thinking about becoming a sex therapist per se, but I just assumed.

It was part of it.

Yeah.

And during my training, you know, you see couples and you're going to your.

Supervisor and they're saying, okay, you're telling.

Them what the case is and they're giving you guidance. And so I would come to them, you know, with a sexual issue and my supervisors would.And even professors would look at me like I was some kind of perv. Like, why are these couples bringing sexual issues to you? And I, I was so puzzled by that.And as I, you know, it wasn't that even that I was explicitly asking, but so I started to get really curious first.

Angry. Like, what do you mean?

How can you be a couple's therapist.

And not talk about sex? Yes.

But I very quickly discovered that the majority of couples therapists don't talk about sex. Yeah. It's.

We've come a long way or even like love in the way that. And this. And the cross section of love and spirituality and sex. Which is kind of where you stand.

Yeah. So I decided to get fellowship trained and more training and then I accidentally.

Got famous as a sex therapist.

I've always been a couples therapist first and foremost. And the two are really intertwined.

Yes, yes.

So early on in your practice, did you see particular themes? Did you have. I mean, I have to imagine that you've been doing this work for what, 30 years? Over 30 years, yeah.So I have to imagine that things have changed and also not changed. So talk to us about kind of the beginning and then what hasn't changed and maybe what you see as hopefully an evolution.

Yeah, I mean, I think we. Yes and no. I mean, we also go in cycles.

Right. So when I first started, it was during the HIV AIDS epidemic and sex equaled death and nobody talked about it and nobody would talk about it.And couples, if they came with sexual issues, you know, they were about to get divorced, it was like the end. That definitely has changed. Couples come to see me much earlier in the process when they still kind of like each other, you know, and.

I can deal with either way, but.

I don't have to spend so much time getting you back on track before we address the key issues. If you come earlier. But then when Viagra came out, then everybody started talking about it, joking about it, discussing it.And then I really, you know, discovered something else that pissed me off because all of a sudden all these women were coming out of the woodwork.And this was back in the late 90s, early 2000s, you know, they were coming out of the woodwork saying, hey, all of a sudden, you know, my husband hasn't wanted. Bothered with me for 10 years.

10 years.

And now all of a sudden, because of Viagra, he wants to have sex and I'm dry and it's not working and I'm not interested. Yeah, can you give me Viagra, too? And we were like, I'm not sure. And I started looking in the literature and there was.And I discovered that we were basically 20 years behind men. There were all of these treatments for men. We understood the nerves and blood vessels that were central to sexual function in men.Went in even back then with robots to do pelvic surgeries in men bear their nerves and blood vessels when they hadn't even mapped, quite frankly, still haven't adequately mapped the nerves, blood vessels that are central to sexual function in women. So that became, you know, my focus. And that led to my first book and women's Sexual Health clinics.And then I got into menopause and then that stupid Women's health initiative came out.I remember 2001, I think it was, and women across the world, and certainly around the United States were Ripped off their hormones, and I was screaming from the rooftops. This is a flawed study.

Yes.

This is ridiculous. But everybody was scared and no one would give. And now there's a renaissance with that. Now we're seeing.So what I'm seeing now is that thank goodness we're like, you know, and there are all these people, hey, we can't put menopause. Yeah. I've been screaming about that for 20 years.

Right?

This is. Yes. So finally, that Journal of American Medical Study came out saying, whoops, that stick study was flawed.

Yeah.

Don't necessarily cause breast cancer. And you can take them. And so now we're moving into that, which is exciting.But we're also, I notice, at least in the media, moving into a more sex conservative attitude, which is interesting.

So not online, you know, but in.

The mainstream media, it's gotten a lot more.

So it's just interesting to see how.

How things evolve and also how I've evolved because my interest have changed so much in terms of what I'm.

What I want to focus on, what inspire. You know, I've always.

I'm. I. I only want to do and teach and help with what inspires me, you know?

Absolutely. Yeah. And people can feel that there's a resonance. You know, the enthusiasm attracts us to each other. When you came towards.Or when you moved towards sex magic, I think you were coming off of Quantum Love. Right. Your last. Was that your last book?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I had always been. I like to say that I worked the first 20 years of my career in sort of the logistical field.

Yes.

The 3D field of practicalities.

And from a sex standpoint.And these are still really important, like how to communicate and how to get your needs met and how to perform and sexual technique and hormones and all these practicalities, which I still can talk about and talk about a lot and have written eight books on.

Yes.

But I would say around the time.

My mom died, that was my biggest, most impossible loss before then. And so that. And then I got breast cancer and had to stop my life. Yeah.

And that was the beginning of what.

I like to call my reawakening, because.

I was fully awake as a little.

Girl, but nobody in my family believed it or could explain it.

They were.

It was a very secular family. My father was God, and he was not a very nice God. Yeah. So I just shut that stuff down when I was a little girl.

Yeah.

And then through this illness and everything falling apart and me needing to stop my life, you know, I. Those things that kind of break us apart. Often break us open. I call them afges. Another freaking growth experience that breaks us apart.

That was a big one.

Yeah. And that after your mom's death you got sick.

Yeah.

And it was related to it.

I mean, I think.

Yes, that's what I'm thinking.

And I write, I'm right.

I write about that in.

In Quantum Love. And I actually have a grief book coming out in 2026 that I.

That I speak a lot about this now.

What I just knew immediately when I had breast. My mother died of what was essentially breast cancer. And I was doing a five day a week radio show on Oprah Radio.I was her sex, love and relationship.

Correspondent on her show.

And I was launching, during the time my mom was dying and died. A television show.

Yeah.

On Oprah Winfrey Network. And so I didn't have time to grieve. I didn't want to grieve. And so I didn't. I learned systems for containment that I still teach today.But in my case, and this is what I also teach, you know, you got, you can contain, but then you got to open up the container, you know. And I was like, oh, this containment is working so well. I ain't open it.

Yeah.

I'm not going to grieve. I'm not going to go there. I have too much to do.

Yeah.

I just didn't. And within a year of my mother dying, I had no risk factors, no genetic marker. 40 years old and I had breast cancer in the same breast she did. Wow.And had to have a mastectomy and reconstruction, chemotherapy and all of that. And that's not to say if you don't deal with your grief, you're going to get cancer, but we know that. Which you can't be with.And if you're unwilling, you know, to, to move that it's dis ease.

Right.

That inflammation, that emotional turmoil that isn't being handled can create in different ways in all of us, you know, so it was definitely related. And I realized that back then and as I stopped my life and especially as I was trying to help my kids whose lives were all, you know, one was su.Became suicidal, one started refusing school, one started having panic attacks. And my normal therapy, neuropsych evaluations, that.

Kind of thing wasn't working.

Yes.

And it led me down a rabbit hole where I eventually discovered quantum physics.

Yes.

And manifestation. And it changed the way I. At first I did it to help my kids. I discovered, especially with the suicidal one, that he.

Out of desperation, I went to See, a medium.

I hadn't been to one since I was in college.

Yeah.

You know, just as a joke. Yeah. But, you know, I tried every other.

Thing, so, you know, desperation is the mother of invention. And I went.

And she's like, let me read his field.

And I'm thinking, he's at school right now, but.

Oh, yeah.

And he says, you know, I.

He's clairsentient, which means basically, he's an empath.

He feels what other people are feeling. She goes, but the difference is he doesn't know the difference between what he's feeling, what other people are feeling.So he's taking on those feelings, thinking they're his, which is what we see in a lot of kids, definitely, who.

Are diagnosing all these behavioral issues and.

Anxiety and anxiety and all that.

I.

You know, this is just the beginning.

Of me understanding this. This was in 2010 or 11, you know.

Yeah.

And so she said, look, this is what you do. And she goes, you have to be really careful about your mood when you go into the room. Him. And I was like, well, I never show him that I'm upset.I was. I was a conscious enough mother that.

I wouldn't, you know, I'd get myself.

Together before I went into the room with my kids if I was upset about something. I tried to keep an even mood around them. No, that's not what I mean. I mean, what's going on inside you?

And she showed me for the first.

Time what I now, you know, what I now understand.She didn't frame it this way as moving your system into energetic coherence, which is one of the things I teach in quantum love, moving your energetic system into a place of peace. Because we're all human tuning forks matching each other, especially someone like this kid who was really sensitive.So I started discovering that when I moved myself into that state before I went into the room with him, or as I'm trying to put my anxious.

Kid asleep, who won't go to sleep.

For hours and hours and hours, you know, if I move myself into a state of really peaceful calm without saying Lord, he would immediately pass out.

Yeah.

So that's what started the rabbit hole.

And then I started applying it to my relationship. And I was flabbergasted at, like, what a Jedi mind trick it was. And then that's what led to quantum love. And part of that was quantum sex.And then that became sex magic.

Yeah. And can you tell our listeners, for someone who doesn't even relate to quantum or energetic field, like, just a Little context.We've talked about it a little bit on this podcast, but I feel like you have some such an understanding of it now, especially as we get into sex magic. Because I'll tell you just how I'm relating to your story.What's in my mind, one of the things that really sticks with me about this leap in your work from, like, logistics and talking to kids about sex and how you can have better sex technically to what you now teach, which is much more presence.

Yes.

Is in my own marriage. I met my husband when I was 19 years old. We started dating when I was 21. And I'm about to be 51.

Yeah.

So same partner, sexual partner for 30 years. And our worst sex, and we both agree on this, is our 30s. We had just 10 years of, like, not great sex.And at the end of it, now that we know how to talk to each other and can be reflective now that we're in our 50s, it was all an issue of being present.

Yeah. And so I think your 30s, you're tapped out. Yes. Fertility.

We had three young kids.

Really.

Twins. And then one close together. But to your point, it's, It's. It was energetic.

Yeah.

And I don't even know if we use the same language that you're using. I mean, I use it. He's a little like, I don't know. But I can bring him into it, because language, it doesn't even matter. It's an energetic thing.So tell our listeners who are newer to this about that.

Well, I will. And let me just say quickly first, that's when it was one. As a couples therapist of 30 years, that was one of the coolest things.

For me with Quantum Love is that.

I would always need the partners buy in to get the two of you on the same page. What I discovered and what I teach in Quantum Love, and what's so powerful about it is if one of you.

Starts practicing this, the other one changes, and it's.

And they don't even need to know what you're doing.

Totally.

You know what else is interesting, Laura, before I forget, because I'm thinking about this as you're speaking, this all happened in the aftermath of his father's death.

Yeah.

So another. Yeah. Like, to your story. And we didn't even know it was a sudden death, so we didn't even have language of what that was about.But it was so life changing for him. And it just completely brought his identity and his ego, like, everything down to the studs. And so his revelation was, oh, I haven't been present.

Yes.

And my revelation was now that he's a little bit more vulnerable, and I have the courage to say what I need because he's in a different state.

Because he's present.

Because he's present. I got more present because I felt safer to be present.

And what I love about that is. You're talking about the energetic impact.

Yes.

And the logistical impact. Yeah, the logistical impact is I don't. I never have felt super safe being really articulate about what I need because he would. I don't.I'm just making this up. Lash out or blow it off or.

Yeah.

Bond well. Or respond from a place.

From ego and defense.

Defensiveness.

And now that he's in a different emotional state. Right, that's happening. But also energetically.

So let's talk about the energy, because that's a really important piece of this.

At our core, you know, you and I seem solid. I seem so.

You know, I'm looking at this computer.

Screen in front of me, which seems separate from me, you know, and that's true.But if we were to look at all of this, including you and I, including everyone listening through an atomic microscope, at the most microscopic atomic level, we are pure vibrating energy. And there is no separation between us. There's not even any separation between me and the computer. We're just vibrating at different frequencies.And humans are. Are all in order for us to perceive each other with our five senses.

And this isn't me making it up.

I have.

I get deep physics and the science.

Einstein, it kind of became. It came out and was really developing. Toward the end of his life, he. He was so freaked out about it because he didn't.You know, it was so different from his understanding of physics and how the world worked. He called it spooky action at a.

Distance because he couldn't explain it.

Okay, good.

I haven't heard that about it. I love that.

Yeah.

But basically, we are pure vibrating energy.

And in order to perceive anything with our five senses, which is how we perceive things, we have to.

It has to be vibrating in harmony with our body's frequency.So in essence, our brain is taking in 40 billion bits of information every millisecond, but we're only consciously practicing, processing 2,000 of them.

There's a whole universe of things happening around us that we can't perceive with our five senses. Okay.

So we're pure vibrating energy, and our body holds an energetic frequency. And humans are like human tuning forks. So we are.When we walk into a room, or even when in A community like this, of everybody listening right now, in order for anyone to be here hearing this, perceiving this, they're all vibrating in a.

Harmonic frequency with us. Okay.

But what happens normally is that everybody.

Finds the happy medium.

What I teach in quantum love, and.

Which eventually feeds into quant to sex magic, is that when you start to get really conscious about the energetic frequency.

You want to hold. Because our energetic frequency is set by two things. To what extent we're matching the energy around us.

Yeah. And our personal conscious and unconscious thoughts and feelings. That's.

So, for instance, guilt and shame is.

The lowest frequency our body can hold.

Yeah.

Bliss, joy, love. The highest frequency.

Yeah.

Body can hold. Yeah.

And so when you go into a.

Situation, and this is what I teach people to do in their love, relationships and work in life, even like before.

I get on with you, I set my body.

I like to set my body before I do an interview like this, to an energetic state of open curiosity.

Yeah.

So I hold this state of open curiosity. You now match me.

Everybody listening is going to match me. We're all going to be open and curious together.

I love it.

So when you start.

For me, as a recovering codependent, I was severely. As I was describing my childhood, you can understand why.

Yeah.

I was severe codependent until my mother died and I had this awakening and that's when I went into recovery. But for me and anyone who's tense toward codependency and quite frankly, an empath, usually we're codependent.

Yeah, absolutely.

Because it's so hard to be around people in pain. We try to fix everyone's pain.

Yes. Yeah.

What we do is we match everyone else's frequency.

We don't even think to set our own. We're constantly. We're like a bouncing tuning fork matching everything. Yes.So the reason this is important is that this is kind of the secret behind the secret or the law of attraction. It's not enough. You know, you can write yourself a.

Check for a million dollars. Oh, I have a million dollars.

You know, but unless you are in the energy of she, he, they, who already has the million dollars in the emotional state of what it would feel like with that million dollars in your bank, as if it's happening right here, right now.

Yeah.

That's what manifests.

Right. So that's a lot of what I teach with regard.In particular, with regard to your love life changing, having your partner show up differently than you, how you want to feel. And, you know, I have this quiz.

On my website, if you go to.

Drlara berman.com right at the top it says, what do you really want in love? And it helps you identify the two main feelings you want to feel in love. And if you start cultivating that feeling.

Inside yourself, and I can even at some point, if you want, walk you through quickly how to do that.

If you cultivate that feeling inside yourself and live in that even, you know, several times a day. Right. You then and look for opportunities. So let's say you really crave playfulness and love. Right.You're walking down the street and you see a playground. Stop and get on the swing for a minute.

Right.

Throw a ball, like seek opportunities for play. Embody playfulness in your energy. You will be shocked.

Yeah.

All the playful people who come in at the different way your partner shows.

Up for you know that they start being. You don't even have to do anything or say anything.

You are embodying the frequency of playfulness. And that's magnetic. It pulls to you into your consciousness all kinds of opportunities.

Yeah.

And it's the same with any feeling you want to create.

Yeah.I think that the key to that concept of being in the body, like when I work predominantly with women, I just find so many people struggle with dropping in, myself included. But now that I know I have a body, yoga really helped me with that.Feeling safer with my partner helped me with that when he became more present than I could be safe to say, oh, what's in my body? And move gently into that inquiry. What do you find in your own work with conversations about dropping in?I have to imagine that there's some trauma there that prevents people from going in. Maybe just a lack of knowledge. What helps people kind of. That's a. To me, that feels like embodiment is a big part of a healthier.

Absolutely. And that's a big part of sex magic. Teach a lot in that book about how to come more into your body. That is step one.

Yes.

Okay.

That's how I'm thinking of it. Okay.

Because for most of us. Yes, because of trauma.

And I talk about trauma a lot.

In the book too, and how to work with that.Because just because you have a history of trauma, whatever trauma, that was where you were, you know, it could have been that you were hyper, criticized. It could have been that you were body shamed. It could have been that you were physically, emotionally or sexually abused.It could have been that you were abandoned. It could, you know, any number of things. But I talk about how to. That doesn't doom you to sexual Failure. Right. You can work with that. But.But I think for most of us, we are conditioned. Especially, you know, we're in this hyper aroused world, mentally hyper aroused.

I don't mean sexually.

Right. And social media now has compounded that a hundredfold. But very few of us are present in our body.So one of the things that I teach in Quantum love and also in sex magic, and I started doing this as I was work, starting to work with this. You know, back in 2010, I would put sticky notes on my computer, on my rearview mirror, on my bathroom mirror that just said ground.And all you need to do is take like three or four deep breaths in through the nose as you imagine a light shining down into the top of your head. And as you breathe in, it fills your whole body with light.And then as you breathe out, the light shoots out your tailbone, going deep into the center of the earth, kind of grounding you like roots of a tree. If you just take three to five breaths like that, you will. And notice before you start versus after five breaths, how different.You'll feel more heaviness in your hips, you'll feel more presence in your body. You'll be more attuned to your senses, which is the, you know, the root of sensuality.

Right.

Sensual awareness is be.

You have to be in your body to be aware of your senses and what you're even feeling. And for most of us, our brains are so busy.

Yeah.

You know, or we're having sex and.

We'Re thinking about like, how am I.

Going to get the kids to.

I just thinking that I. Right, right. When you said that, I was thinking of all the moments that I've had in client conversations. Again, I relate to these moments too.There's just this period of time, especially for a woman, because our arousal happens differently. You know, it's like you have to be in the headspace and it's a whole body thing and you have to feel safe.My clients will talk to me about that letting go of the to do list. And I have that whole. In your book Sex Magic, you ask, what are three feelings that you have during sex?

These are.

There are three different questions, perhaps to. To help you kind of understand if you've even been in your body or not.And you tell us, you know, if you can't answer these questions, it's normal because it's a sign you're not in your body. So I could answer them.It took me a minute, but it was so interesting that one of the first answers I had was tension because in the beginning, unless I have been grounded alone, like, unless I've really prepared myself for, for that space that we're going to go into together, I'm so tense and I'm like. And then I judge myself for not being able to relax. It's so female.

I feel like so normal.

And it's part of our, you know, it's part of our gift as well because we, we evolved to be multitaskers. We were the gatherers in the hunter gatherer society. So those who live to pass their genes on to us.

Yeah.

You know, we're really good at doing a lot of things at once. And we are. But it really is distracting. And that's why so many women will say, you know, I need a massage. My husband has to massage me first.Or I have to take. This is why at a certain season of life, especially if you're really busy.

And have kids and you're stressed, that.

And really sometimes all the way through if you stay there. But certainly during that season, like you were saying of your 30s, you have to schedule it.And part of scheduling it is really looking forward to it, embracing it, getting a little extra flirty, leading up to. And shaving your legs, but also giving space for coming back.So maybe that's, you know, taking a bath, maybe it's taking a walk, maybe it's taking a yoga class. Something that brings you down a little bit. Especially if you're living a very high stress life. Because it's very hard for us.Men are like a microwave oven for the art. You know, they were the hunters. They. Yeah, they can put the blinders on and focus on the task at hand. It's one of their gifts.It's also why you can't talk to them while they're driving.

And they can't do lots of things at once.

But they are gifted that way.

Yeah.

Yeah. You know, so they can go from 0 to 60 pretty easily.

Unless they're stressed about work or finance.

Absolutely.

But other kinds of stress, they can push that aside. But for women, we tend to really.

Need a gentle, you know, we're more like a slow burning stove.

Yes.

So.

Yes.

And if, you know. And a lot of what I try to teach women, because it's not just for sex, it's for so many.I mean, you know, this since you've become more conscious of embodiment that if you can create a regular practice.

Yes.

Of coming back into your body, you're into, you know, your body is your transceiver. If you want more inner guidance More intuition, more attunement to the world.More awareness of opportunities around you for connection, for work, for whatever you have to come into your body. You have to be walking around the world in your body. And most of us aren't.So as you start practices, whether it's yoga, mindfulness meditation, or just and or regular grounding throughout the day, it becomes just part of your system, of your daily system. And then you don't need so much time.

Right.

To downregulate in order to get during sex.

Yeah. Down regulate. That's so good. I'm going to start using my self talk, my kinder self talk. It's okay, Paige. You have to down regulate.I'm impatient with myself. My husband's fine. He's happy that someone's in bed with him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tell us about your definition of sex magic. So for the people who are. We've gone into quantum. We understand where you are energetically.It's about presence, it's about being embodied when you arrive to this. Yeah, tell us.

Yeah, I mean you can have regular sex and have orgasms and feel good, but for most of us, the sensations of sex, the feelings of arousal and orgasm are localized to the genital or pelvic region. Right. So sex magic is like I like to say, it's turning sex into a sacred energy exchange. So you're doing a couple of things.One, you are learning how. And this by the way, comes very intuitively. It's not hard to do. It just takes a little practice to get the mind body awareness going.But you can actually start to move that feeling of arousal through your whole body out the top of your head, circling it between you. So that's just on the physiological pleasure level.

Yeah.

You're now able to have full body orgasms. Right. Which are very nice.

Yeah, yeah. It's like a break from your day, like.

Oh yeah.

Totally released.

And it's very different that. Not that regular orgasms aren't great, but this is like. It almost makes sex a spiritual experience.Not in a religious sense, but it feels, it feels profoundly pleasurable, kind of mind expanding pleasure. And by the way, the ancients have known we, you know, sex.And even when you talk about the chakra system, the sacral chakra is this seat of creativity.

Yeah.

And that is our sexual center. So as you start to bring this energy online and move this sexual energy through your body, it helps with health.

It helps with creativity.

It's inspiration. It's like really beautiful and extremely pleasurable and on the. And very exciting.Like, so for me, you know, most of my career with couples, the biggest question that I still get asked anywhere I go, quite frankly in the world. Yes. How do you spice it up?

Yeah.

In a long term relationship? Because monogamy for life, when that was created, we didn't live past 50. Right, right. So for life wasn't that long of a time.

Yeah.

You know, now we're living to a hundred and it's a long time. And it, quite frankly isn't. We're programmed and we evolved for serial monogamy. I love monogamy and I'm monogamist.

Yeah.

But, but, you know, it. The thing we need to really have a beautiful connection is safety and security, as you were alluding to.

Yeah.

But that works against novelty.

Yes.

Which is what most people count on for excitement.

Yeah.

Okay. Now this is key to sex magic.

Because most of us are looking for spicing it up in the wrong places. So like, for instance, I could give you 365 A list and props of toys, tools, role plays, costumes, million things. Right.And after trying all of them once or twice, when the novelty had worn off of those, you would once again.

Say, like, okay, my dopamine centers aren't firing the novelty there.

I'm bored.

Spice it up again.

This is why so many people are turning to porn and threesomes and open relationships. They're looking for that dopamine hit.

Yeah.

They're looking for excitement in places that aren't sustainable.

Yes.

And so that was really my main.

Inspiration for finally saying, okay, I'm going to write.

Sex magic is like, this is intensity.

What people are really I. You. Once again, I wanted to know. Everything for me comes back to how you want to feel.

Yeah.

You want a new car, it's because of how you're going to feel driving it or looking at it in your driveway if you want a new partner.

How you magic.

You don't realize that everything you want is because you want a feeling.

So I started asking people, okay, you want to spice it up. If you had the spiciest relationship of your dreams, what would it.

What does it feel like?

Yeah. Yeah.

And the answer again and again became.

Excited intensity or intense excitement.

Some version of that.

Like I want that feeling. Feeling of excitement and intensity.

Yeah.

I was there in the beginning of the relationship or there when I have an affair or there when I try something new.

Yeah.

Right.

So that's what sex magic creates.

Yeah.

Each time is this profoundly intense, excited.

Movement of energy through your body and.

Between the two of you and it creates intensity between the two of you. The level of connection.

Yes.

That happens as.

Especially as you start to circle the.

Energy between you or soul gaze or try some of these other things.

Yeah.

Creates a level of intimacy and excitement that is really profound and I find.

Really makes a difference to couples and completely transcends quantity. You know, a lot of times on that level of family life, it's like, well, how many times a week do you have sex and is that enough? Am I.You know, there's just that surface level of holding the whole thing together as opposed to really feeling deserving of something. I think you've said the word pleasure multiple times now, you know, just to be worthy of pleasure. And, you know, that's very obvious for women.That's a big topic for women. But I think it's even true of men.

Yeah.

You know, that they have some barriers to that too. Is that what you find in your practice?

Yeah, I think we all do. I mean, it comes from our puritan. Puritanical history and.But, but at the same time we feel guilty about it, but that's all we're doing when we're scrolling, when we're looking at porn. You know, we're all just like pleasure seeking. We just don't call it that. Right.

Yeah.

And this is a different kind of pleasure. It is your birthright. It is. We are meant to experience profound pleasure, body filling, soul filling, joyful pleasure in our lives.And we're either shamed out of it, we sublimate it, and do it in all these dysfunctional ways that, you know, stimulate the dopamine centers of our brain but make us into little dopamine addicts where we can't stop growing or looking porn or whatever it is. And this is a way of creating that feeling of intensity and depth and real full body pleasure that, you know, makes you crack up or.

Yeah.

Cry or like it's. It's profound.

Yes.

And it's really beautiful and unbelievably bonding when you do it with a partner.

Yeah. And I love in the book how you talk about first starting with yourself and the things that you can do to be more aware of your.Like you've talked about with your family, what energy you brought in the room to your son and how you stay in your body. Can you give us a couple of. Just for people listening, even if they're driving, like accessible tools.I think you mentioned gazing, soul gazing as one a few minutes ago. That might not be one you give now, but that's. That is a Big part of your practice.It's to me, you have a side of you that's very interested in the concept and teaching. And then there's a side of you that's extremely practical and like putting these big ideas into the bedroom in a very real way.

Yeah. And the book is chocked full of exercises, specific ways to do these things. And you're absolutely right.Even if you're in a relationship with a partner who's gung ho, and you don't have to be in a relationship or with a partner who even knows what you're doing. I developed all these techniques, which, by the way, aren't. You know, I. I changed them a little bit and made them more accessible.But they all come from Tantra, Taoism, Kamasutra, kundalini, these ancient techniques that the ancients have known for thousands of years. But I practice it all. My husband. Without telling him first.

Yeah.

Just to see what his reaction would be.

So I would have.

Yeah, but. So you don't even have to. But I do feel that it's important to do all of these on your own first. Because of what I was saying earlier.It requires a little bit of practice to get it down. Because you're squeezing your Kegel muscles and breathing and visualizing at the same time. It's not hard.But once you get it down, doing it two or three times during self stimulation, it's so much easier to do with a partner. But there are lots of ways. So, like, soul gazing is a great way. A beautiful kind of.

I like to recommend couples do it.

As part of foreplay and. Or during penetration. But basically, if you were just. Just to explain it. Sitting right.

You sit across from each other.

You put your right hand over your partner's heart.

Okay.

So their left side.

So you're sitting across from each other.

And then they put their hand on your heart. And then as you are synchronizing your breath.

Yeah.

You are staring into the eye above your partner's heart.

Above your hand, basically.

And they are staring into your eye above their hand. And it is shockingly cringy and intimate at first. Yes.Most people, they can't even tolerate it more than five seconds without giggling or cringing or whatever. And that is fine and normal. But you stick with it and. Or try later again if you lose it.Because if you can do that even for a minute, you will find you will start seeing some things in your partner's eyes. You will feel like you're almost falling into their soul and they're falling into Yours.

I don't know if you've ever tried this.

Well, I'm smiling. Yeah, because we. We've tried it a couple times. Husband is the initiator and curious about all this stuff. So he's open.So I have a partner who's open, which is great.And I have to tell you, like, one of the things that came up for me was the vulnerability from the beauty perspective of, like, really being looked at. Like, I don't know, maybe this is about my childhood. I'm from the deep south. So there's a lot of stuff around.

Beauty and looking pretty.

But it was like, do I have more wrinkles?

Because we don't.

You know, you're moving so fast. You don't stare at each other.

Yes.

And I asked him what he felt. He had none of that. He had no, like, self consciousness around how he physically looked.

Yeah. I love that you're bringing Matt up, because we do. I mean, that was what was hard.I tried this with my husband for the first time, you know, maybe 10 years ago, whatever. And I'm really comfortable. I mean, I'm not an inhibited person.

No, I love this about you. Yeah.

And I was. I. He was. He's totally comfortable with it. He was staring right into my eyes, in my case.

Yeah.

I was wanting. I started to want to touch him. And I realized what I was doing was trying to kind of distract away. And he's like, nope, nope.You just have to scare me. And I was like, I can't. I'm being seen too carefully. You know, it's very.

It's really hard and it's very easy now that I'm having you and I'm connecting with you. I got to go back to it because we did it then. I've had. I read Sex Magic and wanted to bring you on about this topic. And so now you.You're saying it and I'm having the memory, but it's not a. We haven't locked into it as a practice, but I can see how it would be so powerful. So this is inspiring me to.

I want you to try it and keep trying it. I promise you, after the second or third time.

Yeah.

It's going to get really comfortable. And by the way, they are. They're looking deep into your eyes and yes, I. They aren't looking at your whole face.And by the way, if you're with a man, they don't even notice your wrinkles or bulges or cellulite unless you're constantly pointing it out to them. That's just not where their attention goes.

Yes.

But if you can do that as part of foreplay, even if it's just for 30 seconds but really powerful. There's a position that I described that in. It's called the yab yum position.

I saw. I love that in the book.

Yes.

Yeah.

So he, the larger partner sits with back supported, legs out or crossed, and the smaller partner sits on them, legs wrapped around their back, facing each other.

Yes.

And you can actually have intercourse this way.

Yeah.

Right.

So he's inside you, you're rocking back and forth and soul gazing at the same time.

Yeah.

Boom. Crazy.

Homework, everybody. For those of you who are having sex or in a good, in a safe relationship, yourself.

I do it. I started doing it every morning because I have. I'm now 57.

I.

About three or four years ago, I stopped all the Botox, Motox injections.

So overwhelming.

I live in Los Angeles as I do, where that ain't working. And I'm like, I am going to relish.

Yeah.

I'm going to change the standards of beauty for myself. I can't change it for the world.

Yeah.

But I'm changing it for myself. And one of the ways that I do that is I stare into my eyes every morning when I'm brushing my teeth.I go in my magnifying mirror and I look, I soul gaze myself.

Yeah.

And I'm like, you're. I don't look at all my wrinkles and all right. And all the sags. I'm just like, you are beautiful.

Yeah.

Your soul, like, look at this body we get to have. You know, And I just really tap in and tune in every day. So if you don't have a partner, you can Seoul Gay or even if you do.

Yeah.

You can soul gaze with yourself. But that's, you know, I teach you how to move the energy up your spine, how to circle around your body, how to move it in between you.There's a whole bunch of different techniques.

Do you find that when couples practice this, there's an increase in appreciation and gratitude? Is there a link there?

Yeah. There's an increase in presence and connection and vulnerability and safety. You know, you're really going to a beautiful deep place together.You know, I like to say like, I'm fine. You know, I taught you how to give a good blow job for 25 years. Yeah. That's fine. There are other people that can do that now.I have several books on that.

This is what is exciting for me to teach.

Absolutely.

Will you talk to us about the link that you have found between this kind of presence and manifesting. And manifesting is also a word for our listeners. I haven't talked a lot about that on this podcast. So how. How do you think about manifesting?And how is it something that you have put into your life in a real way?

Oh, yeah, I live it. I try to pay a lot of attention. The basic example is you're in a crappy mood, you're pissed off.

Yeah.

All of a sudden you stub your toe, you get stuck in traffic.

Yeah.

You walk into the office and you spill coffee all over yourself. You know how those things happen? That is, you know, manifestation in reverse. Basically, what we now know about how the universe works.And this is quantum physics. This is. You know, it was all started with this famous experiment, the double slit experiment.

Yeah.

Quantum physicists will actually do experiments. They have to do them in a vacuum, in a different building away from them.Because what they discovered is the conscious and unconscious feelings and expectations of the physicists determine how the experiment turns out on the quantum. Because they're working on the quantum level, on the level underneath everything.

Right. Remember what I was saying earlier?

So basically, our conscious and unconscious thoughts and feelings set our body's frequency and that. And our bodies, as transceivers are magnets that call into our consciousness. Yeah. What matches our energetic frequency.So if you are holding a state of even just open curiosity.

Yeah.

And a little bit of optimism, much less joy, love, abundance. 51% of the time, if you just are in, like a peaceful state, you will be shocked.

Yes.

And how drastically your life changes for the better.

Yeah.

And this is quantum physics. I go deep. And if you want to read, I have a whole chapter in quantum love that lays out all the science of.

How this works and all the experiments and everything else.

So basically manifestation.

You know, we've all heard of the.

Law of attraction or the secret.

Yeah, yeah.

That's basically manifestation. So we are all manifesting. Everything around us is a result of what we've manifested or what we, as.

A collective society have manifested.

Yeah.

But we're just not aware of it.

Yes.

So if you can. If you want something, it's about getting. And I. This is what I teach in quantum love, in particular, with relation to your love life.But it works for anything. You get clear on what it is you want, how you would feel if you had that thing.You move into the energy of that feeling state as if it was happening right here, right now. And then you. That gets it. That sort of Supercharges it.Think of it like an old fashioned radio dial where there's this station which is the frequency your body is on and volume. So the more of that feeling you can create in your system, in your body, the stronger that vibrates out and helps create your reality.So everything in your current reality you have, that you're perceiving with your five senses, you have manifested.

Yeah.

For good and for bad, you know.

Or the collective consciousness has manifested both.

You can't. You can only control your little piece of that.

Yes.

Now, when it comes to sex magic, this is something that the ancients have been practicing for thousands of years. And basically sexual arousal and orgasm is literally the highest frequency our body can hold.

Yeah.

It's a feeling, it's an energy of.

Bliss in your body.

Right. So what they discovered is when they would create an intention of something they.

Wanted to manifest and hold that intention.

During deep arousal and orgasm. It was like supercharging that.

Yeah. Into the quantum field.

Yeah. I love it. Oh, I hope this is inspiring everyone to do this.

Yeah.

So if you have a practice in the book where you really.

Yeah, I teach lots of practices. One of them is to create what they call a sigil, which is a system for creating a visual representation of what you want to manifest.So it's like a picture basically that you make from the an I am statement. Like I am a mother. You say, yeah, you don't have a child, or I am in a loving relationship. And then you kind of break that.You get rid of all the vowels and the repeating consonants and you're left with like three or four letters and you make a symbol using those letters however you want. And I teach you how to do.

This in the book.

And you put it in a circle.

Because that contains it.

And then you keep that by your bedside or in your mind or under your pillow or wherever you're having sex. And as you're getting aroused and having orgasm, I've even had people like, hold it. You don't have to, Right?

Yeah.

And even if you forget because you're really in the moment and you're even while you're still in the afterglow post orgasm, you can still bring it in. It is really powerful how, how well it works. Yeah.

And I love things like that that you can stay playful with.

Yeah.

You know, for the listener who's like, well, I don't know. It's like, why not?

Yeah.

You know, it makes things really interesting.

It does.

It makes things really interesting. So the book's Been out for a year, I think almost.

It came out almost July 2025.

Tell us what your hope is for new readers finding it, and tell us if it has changed. You know, I always find when.When I talk to people who have written a book, a nonfiction book, the process of writing it and then seeing it go into the world and have conversations like this about it is changing the writer. So I'm curious about that, if you. If that's kind of changed any perception that you have about sex magic.And then your hope, obviously, for new readers, who I hope will find it based on this conversation and just putting more energy and intention around it out in the world.

I'm so grateful to you for helping get it out to the world. I think this is something that I have. I wouldn't say that I've changed much since it's come out, but.Yeah, but it's been really beautiful and gratifying to hear from so many people about how much it's shifted things.I mean, I had one woman write and say that she had almost given up on getting pregnant, and she ended up getting pregnant after using some of the techniques.

Yeah. It's beautiful.

Lots of couples saying that they feel more deeply connected.I also think there's a time and a place for everything, and we are at a place collectively now where so many people are waking up that there is something beyond the five senses.

Yes.

Consciousness is kind of coming online a lot more.

Yes.

Well, are more spiritually curious.

Yeah.

Like, what else might be out there? I think this.You know, I think this book is coming at a perfect time that way, where people are open and ready to explore something like this and there's no risk. You know, all it can do is enhance at the very. At the, you know, the lowest level, at the least.I wouldn't say the lowest level, but at the very least, let's say. Yeah, it will make sex a lot more pleasurable.

Yes.

And my intention is to not only help people reach new levels of pleasure and excitement, but also a depth of experience that allows for greater intimacy and greater presence in their bodies, in their lives.

Yeah.

And so, yeah, I'm grateful to you for helping to get the word.

Oh, I loved it. And I. I also was very inspired, and I'll end on this to be aware of your time, but that the book is dedicated to your parents.

Yeah.

And just hearing you speak about it, it's actually great for, you know, those of you listening. It's like we go through these wounds in life. We go through these really traumatic Difficult experiences.But if you can stay conscious and presence, you know, and. And curious, it's hard to be curious right away, but to stay at least a little bit open on the other side of that is really transformational.Ways of thinking that then help. Look how many people you're helping with it.

So, yeah, no, I'm definitely. I feel like all things take us where we're meant to be. And they were really. They messed me up in a million ways, just like our parents do.But they also repaired, you know, not just my help, but they eventually got into therapy. And that was really inspiring to me.Not only seeing the way sex can take people down, which I definitely saw growing up, but also in a million different ways throughout my career, but also the beautiful ways that you can evolve your relationship, grow your relationship, step more deeply into your connection at any stage, no matter what's happened. You can. You can repair if you. If you both are willing to do the work. And they really were, you know, the last 10 years of their relationship until.

My mother, you know, died too soon.

From cancer, were really beautiful.

Yes.

And that was really a gift to watch not only the devastation, but what was possible in repair.

Yeah. Well, I'm really grateful for your work, and I.Honestly, Laura, I feel like I've manifested you because I've heard you on the radio and then I met you in person, and now we're doing this and now get to bring your voice to my listeners. So thank you for being here. It's awesome.

I'm grateful.

Like Laura, I feel we're all meant to experience profound pleasure. It's one of the gifts of being in a human body to experience your body feeling good.And what I've learned about that in my own life and through the lives of others who have shared their experiences with me.It's not always straightforward to open yourself up to intense, deeply connecting experiences of intimacy, especially sexual intimacy, which is a funny thing considering how intimate sex is. Even when it's not. For me, it's moving towards the experience of profound pleasure one step at a time.It takes intention to downregulate and get in the body. It's a process, and I've made it a point lately to have less judgment towards myself.It's amazing how being open to your own experience without judgment creates space for you to feel good. Everything about sex magic is a practice, and the practice is meant to be approached with playfulness and curiosity.We have to choose the playfulness. We have to choose the curiosity. And the best thing about that choice is that your partner doesn't need to necessarily choose it too.Just you doing it can bring about an evolution that makes you feel closer. Laura reminds us that sex is a sacred, energetic exchange and that energy is available to us exactly where we are today.Trust and presence of are not outside of you. That's a relief.It's all available to you with the choice to practice Laura's take on pleasure and the value that she places on bonding and using the energy of sex and connection to enrich one's entire life is an exciting invitation for each of us. Thank you Laura for meeting us here after years of listening to your voice on the radio.It was so nice to be in your full presence and experience the grounded, open curiosity you hold as you bring your message to us.Sex Magic is a book that has arrived at exactly the right time and I appreciate how you share your journey so openly and honestly so that we can feel normal in our pursuit of pleasure, which still in our culture can feel awkward and scary to talk about. Your leadership in this space has been and continues to be compassionate, courageous and totally authentically you.Thank you for making the pathway to deeper intimacy so clear and for believing in the magic of our sex lives so that we can believe it's possible too. You can find out more about Dr. Laura Berman in the show notes and order your copy of Sex Magic wherever books are sold.And a heads up to keep an eye out for Laura's next book entitled Crying Out Loud, which will be published later this year in the fall of 2026.This is a book about grief and although I haven't read it yet, I'm sure it's going to be a wonderful resource and guide for people who are experiencing loss and need support to navigate that tender time.In the past couple of years, Laura has become a leader in the area of grief counseling and if this kind of support would help you or someone you know, make sure to check out Laura's offerings. Okay y', all, that's it for now. I'll meet you here again soon.

Thanks to each of you for being here and for listening. I'm so grateful we get to share life in this way.As always, full show notes are available@paigenolan.com podcast there you will find a full summary of the episode, timestamps and key takeaways and any resources resources mentioned in our conversation. If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love if you would leave me a rating and a review. You can do that by visiting pagenolan.com Love your reviews.Really do help people to discover the show and if you know someone specifically who would enjoy this episode. I'm so grateful to have you all share. I'll meet you there with your friends.Lastly, if you have any questions or comments, or if you would like to share any feedback feedback with me, please email to meetme thereagenolan.com I would love to hear from you. Thank you to the team that makes this show possible.Podcast production and marketing by North Node Podcast Network Music by Boyd McDonnell Cover photography by Innes Casey okay y', all, that's it for now. I'll meet you there again soon.

It.